This is Not Your Botany Lab!
by mutantpenguins
Summary: This is not your botany lab! According to Captain James T. Kirk, Sulu's obsession with plants has gone far enough. However, he does discover one advantage to a plant-infested bridge. K/S


Ember: Go figure our first venture into the _Star Trek_ universe would be in round robin format.

Rags to Riches: It seems fitting in a way; after all we do share a brain which **I **own.

Ember: Eh, whatever. Keeping it short and sweet, treat us gently, the first of many more in this universe to come!

Rags to Riches: Enjoy, and remember reading fanfiction is always more important than doing your homework.

THIS IS NOT YOUR BOTANY LAB!

Really, Jim thought, this had gone on long enough even for _him. _Since becoming captain of the _Enterprise,_ Jim had mellowed out a bit and become a pretty patient guy, but even he could lose it, and he was most certainly at his breaking point. This was probably the reason that he 'accidentally' knocked Sulu's latest project onto the floor.

"Sulu!" Jim shouted. "The bridge is _not_ the place for your botany lab!"

"But, captain, the bridge is the only place that provides the continuous level of light required for this plant!" Sulu protested, kneeling over the fallen plant.

"I might be all right with it if that was the only plant! You've covered the entire bridge; this has gone far enough!" Jim all but shrieked, infuriated.

It was true; the bridge looked more like a jungle than a spaceship with vines crawling up the walls, nearly obscuring the viewscreen. Jim swore he had even seen a small frog hiding among the leaves the other day, and he hoped it wasn't poisonous. However, Jim was forced to stop said recollections when a vine wrapped around his wrist, refusing to let go despite his best efforts. Spock, who had remained at his station until this point, was forced to rip the offending vine off of the appendage with his superior strength. In his moment of distraction, though, he failed to notice a thicker vine wrapping around both their waists.

This was noted, however, when said vine decided to lift both of them into the air and suspend them near the ceiling overlooking the crew. Though the situation was undeniably very awkward and Jim wasn't at all sure what would come of it, he couldn't help but notice how professional his crew was managing to look in spite of the jungle surrounding them. It made them appear as if someone had beamed the entire crew into the middle of some god-forsaken jungle on Earth, complete with equipment. For a moment Jim wondered if Scotty had actually done so in some strange prank of his, one that would certainly top the one a few months back involving hundreds of grapefruit and a small dog.

When Jim managed to orient himself, he shouted, "Sulu! What the hell is this thing?" as Uhura wisely chose to contact Bones just in case of some medical catastrophe involving their rather medically challenged captain.

"Uh well," Sulu stuttered, "The thing is. . .well I actually don't know what this thing is, captain. It just looked pr- I mean_ interesting_."

Jim could not believe his ears. "You brought a vine that moves on its own onto my bridge because it _looked pretty_," he said flatly.

Sulu was very quickly looking quite red around the ears, and his neck and face for that matter. "Yes, captain," he mumbled.

"I'll have words with you later. Spock, any idea what's got us trapped up here?"

Spock was presently examining the small leaves of the vine. "It is most likely a member of the C_itus toxicodendron _species set of vines, though I am uncertain as to the subspecies."

At this Sulu began to furiously search his datapad in hopes of not dying once his captain was released from vine-induced captivity.

"_Citus toxicodendron_. Care to speak plain Standard for once?" Jim was sure Spock secretly enjoyed pushing his buttons by adding an additional layer of toploftiness to his speech.

"Moving poison ivy, sir."

"_Moving poison ivy._" Jim was not amused. Vulcans hardly ever lied, but surely his First Officer was stretching the truth just a little. "You're kidding. . . right?" he asked hopefully in spite of the slim odds.

"I do not understand the logic of the human pastime of 'kidding'," Spock replied, completely serious.

Jim proceeded to swear eloquently for almost a full minute, utterly ruining Chekov's innocent outlook and teaching even Uhura new meanings to certain words. "I'm _allergic_ to that!" he shouted.

"You're allergic to _everything_!" Bones shouted back as he entered the bridge carrying a medical kit. "You're lucky I came equipped because I just knew something would happen."

"Well, all your demon hyposprays will have to wait until Sulu finds out how the hell to get us down from here, unless you can suddenly fly!" Jim snapped from his lofty position.

"Um, captain, sir?" Sulu muttered, sounding unreasonably afraid for whatever reason as he stared at the datapad. "Judging from the thickness of the vine wrapped around you two, there's only one way to get you down, and you're not gonna like it."

"At this time I believe it would be logical for you to tell us despite your apprehension at the captain's reaction. It appears it would be far worse for you if you do not tell us." Spock commented, still utterly calm in the grasp of the vine.

"It's both of you I'm afraid of," Sulu said, still looking very nervous.

"Sulu, just spit it out! What could be so bad that you're worried about Spock's reaction to it?" Jim shouted, patience having fled twenty years into the past.

Sulu reddened further, if that was at all possible. "Youtwohavetokiss," he said all in one breath, clearly reluctant to say it at all.

"We have to _WHAT?"_ Jim practically screamed, flabbergasted.

"I believe he said we have to kiss, Captain," Spock said.

"No, no, I know what he said. That was a knee-jerk rhetorical reaction."

"I have never grasped this concept, Captain. It is illogical to ask such a question when you know the answer."

"The hell you don't grasp it!" Jim shouted, frustrated once more. "I know you get it; you just love irritating the rest of us. It's your version of a sense of humor," he accused.

"I thought you held the belief that I did not have a sense of humor; yet now you claim I do?"

Jim stared at Spock, anger and frustration temporarily forgotten. "I always knew you had a sense of humor, even though no one else seemed to get it," he said in a much calmer tone than his previous statements.

"And yet you do? If I felt such an emotion I would say I was flattered," Spock continued on his unusual streak of almost teasing.

"You are flattered. I can tell."

"I must contend that I am not," but Spock's eyes gave him away. It was the eyes, every time.

"Don't lie to me, Spock," Jim whispered, almost pleading.

"I am merely telling one version of the truth," Spock nearly whispered.

Jim reached up with his only free hand, making sure Spock looked at him. "You don't need to hide that you feel emotions, you know. You _are _half-human, and that's a very human thing."

"I am also half-Vulcan and Vulcans always have control over their emotions," replied Spock, watching Jim's hand.

"Control _this_," Jim challenged, before pressing himself even closer to Spock.

For once Spock did not have a single word in response as Jim's emotions seemed to flood his body. He imagined it was much like the feeling humans got when overly-intoxicated, he certainly was light-headed.

Spock could tell what Jim was about to do a split second before he did it because of the sudden rush of fear and determination pouring into him from their contact. He knew, and yet, he did nothing to stop it. Spock did not completely understand why, but all he knew was he wanted what was about to happen to well, happen.

Jim shared Spock's lack of understanding. He wasn't entirely sure why he was doing what he was, just that it needed to happen. In the end it wasn't Jim and it wasn't Spock; it was both of them moving together at the same time to make contact in the middle, as they had always done.

Neither of them noticed the vine moving gently to set them down; they were too busy being lip-locked. As it gently let them go Spock wrapped his arms around Jim to keep him securely in his grasp as the entire crew looked on in voyeuristic shock.

Jim started, breaking their contact as Chekov gasped, "_Keptin?_"

Spock nearly growled at the interruption and recaptured Jim's lips at which Chekov promptly fainted.

Jim gasped delightedly as Spock's hand found his in a Vulcan kiss as well. Uhura was the only one to truly understand the significance of this gesture and despite her former relationship with Spock, found the entire thing horribly romantic, like a scene from one of her many old smut novels she hid under her bed. The romance of the moment was ruined as Jim finally began to react to the plant.

"Dammit!" Jim swore as he promptly began to redden in what was quite potentially the worst rash Bones had seen since medical school.

It even broke out on his tongue much to his and Spock's dismay. The last thing Jim felt before he passed out, an acceptable action given the circumstances he thought, was the hypospray that Bones jabbed into his neck. He had just enough time to swear once more before his world dissolved in darkness.

When Jim woke up he was not in Bones' sickbay but rather in Spock's quarters. From the fierce stare Spock was giving him and the almost unbearable heat in the room, Jim knew one thing; _pon farr_ had begun.

_The End. _

TADA! Kindly read and review; it will spur Ember to actually FINISH her three separate _Star Trek_ oneshot ideas and both Ember and Rags to Riches to work on their epic-length fanfictions. Live long and prosper or if you talk to Rags to Riches, live short and die poor as she cannot do the hand motion thingy and therefore resorts to the opposite placement of fingers. Farewell!


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